What am I supposed to learn in this new free-fall, that has elements of things NOT changing alongside elements of things that feel to me, perhaps to her, VASTLY changing…? When is a collaboration interdependence, healthy for the parts and the whole, and when is it dependence or co-dependence, unhealthy for one or both, and the whole? Do I get to celebrate my capacity for collaboration, even as it may lean into dependence, at times, all without shame or blame but simply difference in need, rhythm, flow? I count on my companion and soul-friend (in this case, Lisa, but surely others in the past and present or present-to-come) needing different things than I will, do; I fear loss and loneliness when change comes, grieve what had felt safe and secure, as change arises with its force and freedoms.
If I’m honest here, I too knew a static was rising in me, a stasis and even numbness in me in times with Lisa in which we had circle or leadership things to tend but I was also yearning inside, locked into something, somehow. The grief around all things Women Writing Cincy/Mother School (I’m always careful to write now because of MaryPB’s pain body and accusations…) was becoming a rut I could not escape. Cannot escape, as is? In the #StayAtHome orders but early on, Lisa came over for a Tuesday afternoon that fed me so, nourished us both, I’ll venture to say. There was no work to do, nothing 'other’ to tend with either responsibility or a sense of fear/uncertainty. We could be just as we were, figuring out this pandemic rhythm in families, friends, work, play, food and home. I could feel the peaceableness in a gaze with her, which we simply fell into, without aim or intention. My body whooshed with all the memories of the Nook, our space upstairs which is my space but womb space, Our space, Her space too. We sat on the porch and enjoyed many of our spaces. Enjoyed some Chardonnay and sun. I felt a returning I still don’t know how to name, some for fear of boxing it into old ways of thinking or feeling. A returning is sufficient for the flow here...and a breath of fresh air too, as ever, as we welcome what-is, together.
This morning, I get to sit here at our little Parisian table, pretending to be at a coffee-shop, listening to Spotify ‘peaceful guitar’ pieces chosen by a random calculus. I get to bask in the familiar yet tender shared-listening Lis and I did this morning about the circle tomorrow night. Tender because I know how to craft agendas by myself AND I so trust her gentle way with prayerful-circle-way currents too. I value how a free space opens up for both of us when we allow it, even now, in the tender of the New, Unknown. I am coming to appreciate with more intention, if I cannot feel as she does, the burden she carries, has carried, in these seven years. I won’t even try to describe it, except to honor it, honor her fidelity and willingness in it.
Can I come to words about the burden I am increasingly aware of, for me? Not with respect to collaboration with her, though of course there are differences that I consciously choose to hold with a fierceness and care...weighted sometimes. That’s what spirit-companionship IS, in my experience, and it always serves a holy Flow each needs. But what do I know as burden in this bodacious, abundant and Sacred circling Life I’ve gotten to live, to grow in, to mature and heal in?
The administration of the business is burden for me, though it’s also been an area of tender rage, new growth, curiosity of actually focusing on doing it well. I’ve never tried to be a business woman, and am not sure I want to, really. The passion, the birthing work, the gathering work...those are the things that come naturally and are not heavy to carry, for the most part. Some can be, of course, but not the bulk of sisterhood relationships. I thrive in those energies, my extroverted-introverted self, both.
Being loyal in containers that I outgrow is a burden, given my devotion and need to be known as loyal, fierce-for… For me to choose myself over a web of relationships in which I felt safe and held and seen? For me to realize that I am not feeling safe in a place where I used to feel safe and seen? Incredibly difficult for me. Refused grief, then, becomes the burden...until something or someone, like Lis in this case, knocks it center stage and I have no choice but to face it inside.
Being so fierce for the creative life of women (and some men), in writing, in SoulCollage®, in Spirit, I have lost track of how to risk creatively for myself. How to play, for no ostensible purpose whatsoever. The burden here is a refusal of innocence, a refusal of beginning again, a fear of not being enough, not being seen…even failing, whatever that might mean.
A private creative life, in Spirit, in prayer…? Feels foreign to me now. That private life used to be ALL I had, in some ways. No one in my work environment could honor or see such things as valuable in time or money or product, and I was largely publicly identified in work things. So I did my thing privately, started new hobbies, played in artist-dates and kept a solitude I’ve long forgotten in these years. I doubt Lisa can even imagine that prior self very easily, because it is not remotely who I am now, who I can be with her. Brian would give me a hard time, projecting his envy onto me as my ‘waste of our resources,’ or ‘waste of my time.’ I learned to hide most of it from him. Then spirit-friendship opened up in a way I never knew. The Artist’s Way with a friend, (Kate then), diving deeply into our spiritual lives and weaving intimate experiences together in a new energy I knew but did not know. Then the lessons of attachment and the suffocating damage it can do...into a more balanced devotion-and-nonattachment for sake of each, both, all.
In the beautiful intimate life Lisa and I know, I re-entered and knew the deep satisfaction of diving deeply, being seen, being companioned and One in the journey that scared me so, us so. Creativity. Birthing. Re-birthing again and again. But also mothering, providing-for, being mothered, being provided for, in ways I always needed but never could know. It is now natural for me to feel the urge to share anything lively, often sharing it all...often before I’ve had time to even receive fully for myself. Classic Two thing, which is both a seed of deep intimacy, interdependence, joy...and can be a shadow of grasping for what is already inside (when I can no longer feel it myself), for holding onto, for avoiding risk, vulnerability, New. Lis has learned more fully for herself, how to pause, how to discern what she will share with me...and all that she does not choose to share in her journey now, even as what we share remains...whole, energetic, lively...
Is that something I am to learn for myself? Or is that simply a difference between us? Is there a new Center that is beckoning for me here, a returning inside myself that when stronger, will feel free in sharing certain pieces only with her? Friday, I chose the ‘be strong and trust your own Center’ so it seemed, holding back and trying not to share. From this side of it, I can see/feel now that part of me was screaming inside, beginning to lose the battle with the fearful voices, the 'cut bait and run’ voices in my own head…'cut bait and run before she does' kind of energy. When I feel that energy, then yes, I am to reach out, methinks. Which I did. And we ‘sat on her deck/my deck’ together, in the sun… I needed to come to speech about yes, what a big deal this is for us both, and how I want to have it all together but will not, probably for a long while. Tears arise in me now with that admission. I hate my intensity being a burden for her, for me, for anyone...which ultimately circles around to accepting it simply is what it is, me accepting me. I also love this intensity in me...if it could just NOT be a burden for anyone, me included…? And around and around we go...
...is that part of what I need to be learning in this freefall/not-freefall? Are our differences increasingly hard for her to hold inside herself? Is my largeness prohibitive of something deeply necessary and growing Inwardly for her? These are questions with her, my wonderings of her, at the center, I know, so not really anything I can do about or hold. They may not even be her questions at all. But I do carry their energy with a sense of weighty dread. I never want to be prohibitive of what is most Inward for her, what is most Lively for her. This deep belly feeling-awareness is the gift that Kate and her daughter Rebecca remind me of, even today. I cannot be other than as I am, which Lis honors and is fierce for too. I cannot fear growing larger or deeper as the Path beckons, and most days, I do trust that we will be right there, in our kayaks, drawing close and bumping into one another, flowing away, finding the eddies and currents that are Creatively selected for each of us, by the One who calls us into this Spirit energy here and now...except the moments when fear does take hold and I cannot seem to allow it or process it or welcome it or....
A slightly different angle then...How am I to hold the deep conviction in my Heart that I am a stronger, deeper, wiser leader when in spirit-led/leading companionship with her, her insights, her freedom to play and create? How does this not become a burden for her or a need? sole-desire? only? for me? I mean, she’s not the last thing since sliced bread, I know. Others will bring other gifts, their own energies and offerings, which woven into collaboration will be gift for the world. I know this. I can collaborate with others. She’s been pushing me to collaborate with others. And I can do that. Will do that, as I learn more. And yet… There is an utterly Created-Creative distinctive Liveliness that comes into the world when we both surrender into it. Maybe surrendering into BOTH its birthing and unraveling purposes, as this strand is about unraveling as much as about what is not changing between us... We would not be a whole fidelity force unless the whole birth-life-death-rebirth were active in us too. Whatever is dying-changing-letting-go just hurts more, feels hard.
So...a smiling nod to my own burdens, the questions that rise, the ways I can be attentive. Yes, I will share with Lisa, because it is who I am as a writer and as her Anam Cara. And yes, I will enter into this creative stream beckoning me, however it will, learning to pause and discern before sharing with her, with anyone.
I’ll only ever get a sense of this Invitation if I explore it with intention...she's got nothin' for me in that, as I do not for her...
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