Events in my life have
returned a recurring question to me from multiple quarters: What is it about
Princeton that affects you so?
I have struggled mightily for years to have a
compelling and convincing answer to this question. It’s a trope by now in my
family that I have a highly cathected relationship with Princeton Theological
Seminary. I can understand their familiarity and weariness with it, given my 10-
or even now 20-year journey to move from
- attachment (ego-grasping of established success in higher education and professional endeavors, with doors opening because of association with the name-education of Princeton) and then
- aversion (fair critiques against the ironies and paradoxes of such a place, i.e. a place to train Christian ministers to be disciples of a Jewish carpenter whose life/ministry bears little resemblance to the values of Ivy-League privileged education)
- into the wisdom of non-attachment, gratitude and relinquishment, even forbearance.
It has surely been a journey of forbearance for these, my intimates, as the energies of this
question have worked their way through my mind, my body, my spirit. And with
what result or product? After all these years, I still struggle to offer a
compelling and persuasive answer to this question, What is it about Princeton that affects you so? It has been a
journey with seemingly no resolution, a cycle of discourse or conversation in
which they are now bound as well. For that, I do feel regret. For that, I feel
sadness at being continuously unheard, unseen, both for my inability to
articulate/persuade and our shared captivity to such distracting energies for what is life-giving in this world.
It dawns on me this
morning that perhaps the issue lies in the question. Perhaps it’s not the right
question to be asking. Just maybe, the question needs to be “Why aren’t more of
us within ecclesial Christian traditions befuddled, frustrated, irritated, even enraged
by an institution like Princeton Theological Seminary?” Why aren’t you bothered by institutions of higher (theological)
education rife with such debilitating and damning paradoxes? If I/we were to try
to answer that question, how would we proceed? I have been feeling my way back into some of these energies, not at my instigation but at the impetus of bemusing providence.
The tendrils of Princeton's gift and burden in my own journey began back in 1992, when I had opportunity to visit the campus in a "Prospective Student" weekend. One could argue they began earlier in my Midwestern upbringing--folks in the Midwest have huge respect, even awe, for ivy-league institutions, almost without any awareness of them as they are. I matriculated for the Masters of Divinity degree in 1993, completed it in 1996. I was accepted into the doctoral program there in 1996, so pursued the PhD in practical theology, completing it in 2001. In the midst of that, I got married to my first love from college days, who then came to Princeton to do his Masters of Divinity degree. He finished in 2003, but we both stayed on one more year--I, to get a Lilly Endowment grant off the ground; he to serve as interim-chaplain at the Westminster Foundation at Princeton University. We were finally granted 'reprieve' in summer 2004 as I entered into seminary teaching and he entered his first installed call as a pastor of a local church. Eleven years' of Princeton Seminary (de)formation in overwhelming privilege, beautiful-souled people, 'establishment' and the version of 'community' that comes with incredible wealth, privilege, and high literacy/intellect.
These next ten years have been spent in an environment of great felt-contrast, though still incredible privilege, beautiful-souled people, and the paradoxical challenges of community in the 'community' of higher theological education. Christian koinonia and institutional decline & grief are impossible bed-mates--economics and competition are interwoven irreparably into the relational yearnings of consumerist, implicitly 'class-oriented' human beings. Rarely are people seen, truly seen. Rarely are their voices heard, truly heard or invited. Structure and form dominate how human beings interact and even conceive of what they want, who they are in themselves. Given these things, I have spent these ten years doing the hard work of differentiation from Princeton Seminary and its establishment, institutional, high-privilege, class-conscious way of living into Christian discipleship. I have strived to express my heart-felt gratitude and receptivity to all the gifts my years at Princeton offered me, without question or condition. I could not do what I do today without my years there. I have also strived to release my own ego-attachment to the things Princeton instills as values, success, achievement. To release the yearnings for outward success, larger public affirmation of my work, signs of 'proof' that what I do matters to those within the hallowed halls of my (ironically stated) alma mater. And, as the journey of awakening has unfolded, I have also struggled to relinquish the aversion and anger, the sense of betrayal of my holiest yearnings that were woven into institutional and intellectual matters with little connection to the radical claims of compassionate living. The Buddhists are right, after all--aversion is the negative/shadow side of attachment. To have deep aversion is simply the reactive form of a remaining attachment. And I was making really good progress on that front. No longer yearning for what Princeton is perceived to offer, no longer angry or reactive to its way in the world, I was able to say with equanimity that I was thankful for being there and thankful for my journey to have taken me here. End of story.
Until my cousin's husband became the seminary's next president. The Seminary freakin' married into my family. Plopped back into the swirls of privilege, political back-talking, supposed strivings to be seen within the Princeton family once again, I watched as my soul's energies went through their paces once again. Attachment to the ease of being-invited into high-privilege places. Anger at how blind the 'community' is to the larger world and what 'reality' means to the 99%. Well-seasoned recognition of folks connecting with me not because of who I am but because of who I know, love, as my family. All of it arose again, until it eased in practice, in welcome, in acceptance of simply what-is.
The ten years of practice shaped the days of awareness leading up to and completing the Inauguration Day festivities with a sense of peace and relinquishment. Yes, I had really done the work. Yes, life is funny in how it brings things into your life so as to give opportunity once again to practice, even to see how far you have come. And yes, the question is no longer the right question for me: What is it about Princeton that affects you so? The secondary question, the one that arose this time, Why are not more of us irritated, befuddled...? The further I travel along my way, with spirit-friends and heart-companions, more of us are not irritated, befuddled, etc. because none of all that really matters to this 'more' of us. None of that bears resemblance to the world that does beckon, that does yearn for our gifts. There are so many mysterious, beautiful, and challenging things welcoming this 'more' of us into the world that little time or energy is left for the story that had shaped so much of my own awareness, spirit, for so long.
It is my story, and it will always be with me. I will continue to learn from it and awaken to the things that drew me into the gift and burden of Princeton. I will continue to offer gratitude for all that has been made possible because my story is as it is. And I will continue to smile and breathe into the reality of what-is within Princeton's bounds, accepting the paradoxes so plentiful within them. All those who are drawn to those bounds can have a listening-heart companion in me, if they so choose. Sacred Mother can now do with this journey whate'er She may, as I offer it to holy purpose. Wait and watch. God alone. Blessed be.
The tendrils of Princeton's gift and burden in my own journey began back in 1992, when I had opportunity to visit the campus in a "Prospective Student" weekend. One could argue they began earlier in my Midwestern upbringing--folks in the Midwest have huge respect, even awe, for ivy-league institutions, almost without any awareness of them as they are. I matriculated for the Masters of Divinity degree in 1993, completed it in 1996. I was accepted into the doctoral program there in 1996, so pursued the PhD in practical theology, completing it in 2001. In the midst of that, I got married to my first love from college days, who then came to Princeton to do his Masters of Divinity degree. He finished in 2003, but we both stayed on one more year--I, to get a Lilly Endowment grant off the ground; he to serve as interim-chaplain at the Westminster Foundation at Princeton University. We were finally granted 'reprieve' in summer 2004 as I entered into seminary teaching and he entered his first installed call as a pastor of a local church. Eleven years' of Princeton Seminary (de)formation in overwhelming privilege, beautiful-souled people, 'establishment' and the version of 'community' that comes with incredible wealth, privilege, and high literacy/intellect.
These next ten years have been spent in an environment of great felt-contrast, though still incredible privilege, beautiful-souled people, and the paradoxical challenges of community in the 'community' of higher theological education. Christian koinonia and institutional decline & grief are impossible bed-mates--economics and competition are interwoven irreparably into the relational yearnings of consumerist, implicitly 'class-oriented' human beings. Rarely are people seen, truly seen. Rarely are their voices heard, truly heard or invited. Structure and form dominate how human beings interact and even conceive of what they want, who they are in themselves. Given these things, I have spent these ten years doing the hard work of differentiation from Princeton Seminary and its establishment, institutional, high-privilege, class-conscious way of living into Christian discipleship. I have strived to express my heart-felt gratitude and receptivity to all the gifts my years at Princeton offered me, without question or condition. I could not do what I do today without my years there. I have also strived to release my own ego-attachment to the things Princeton instills as values, success, achievement. To release the yearnings for outward success, larger public affirmation of my work, signs of 'proof' that what I do matters to those within the hallowed halls of my (ironically stated) alma mater. And, as the journey of awakening has unfolded, I have also struggled to relinquish the aversion and anger, the sense of betrayal of my holiest yearnings that were woven into institutional and intellectual matters with little connection to the radical claims of compassionate living. The Buddhists are right, after all--aversion is the negative/shadow side of attachment. To have deep aversion is simply the reactive form of a remaining attachment. And I was making really good progress on that front. No longer yearning for what Princeton is perceived to offer, no longer angry or reactive to its way in the world, I was able to say with equanimity that I was thankful for being there and thankful for my journey to have taken me here. End of story.
Until my cousin's husband became the seminary's next president. The Seminary freakin' married into my family. Plopped back into the swirls of privilege, political back-talking, supposed strivings to be seen within the Princeton family once again, I watched as my soul's energies went through their paces once again. Attachment to the ease of being-invited into high-privilege places. Anger at how blind the 'community' is to the larger world and what 'reality' means to the 99%. Well-seasoned recognition of folks connecting with me not because of who I am but because of who I know, love, as my family. All of it arose again, until it eased in practice, in welcome, in acceptance of simply what-is.
The ten years of practice shaped the days of awareness leading up to and completing the Inauguration Day festivities with a sense of peace and relinquishment. Yes, I had really done the work. Yes, life is funny in how it brings things into your life so as to give opportunity once again to practice, even to see how far you have come. And yes, the question is no longer the right question for me: What is it about Princeton that affects you so? The secondary question, the one that arose this time, Why are not more of us irritated, befuddled...? The further I travel along my way, with spirit-friends and heart-companions, more of us are not irritated, befuddled, etc. because none of all that really matters to this 'more' of us. None of that bears resemblance to the world that does beckon, that does yearn for our gifts. There are so many mysterious, beautiful, and challenging things welcoming this 'more' of us into the world that little time or energy is left for the story that had shaped so much of my own awareness, spirit, for so long.
It is my story, and it will always be with me. I will continue to learn from it and awaken to the things that drew me into the gift and burden of Princeton. I will continue to offer gratitude for all that has been made possible because my story is as it is. And I will continue to smile and breathe into the reality of what-is within Princeton's bounds, accepting the paradoxes so plentiful within them. All those who are drawn to those bounds can have a listening-heart companion in me, if they so choose. Sacred Mother can now do with this journey whate'er She may, as I offer it to holy purpose. Wait and watch. God alone. Blessed be.
