Time to live the method then, she says to herself at 4:50 a.m. with a cup of coffee at her side. What does all that offer me to befriend? To receive? To learn?
Last night was the third TedX rehearsal for me, the first one in the actual space we’ll be in, the first one where I felt separate-from and staged-above those who will be receiving all we all have to say a week from Saturday. [First strong awareness: Wow, am I a circle-keeper at Heart: I do not like being up on stage, feeling apart from!!] The hour or so we were all there was a fascinating collision of wait-and-go, go-and-wait, startling male voice with microphone disregarding what I was saying, my starting and stopping, stopping and starting, overwhelm of Feeling, and freezing in place in that Feeling…then an automated voice in the loudspeaker telling me to get out now, then a rushed departure into the cold February night...all that in front of guides and coaches and an intimate spirit-friend. As she mirrored to me over a WheatPenny munchies-drink-Eucharist afterward: all that has such richness and purpose for this journey for you…
Pragmatically, I’ve returned to my story-taglines on a sketch-journal page, to return to the Story more than the task of ‘memorization.’ Memorization of words on a page or my phrasing in the voice-file of the talk gave the structure and honed the timing necessary—good part of the process—but it’s time to let the focused-phrasing go again and trust the Story. Better to stay with my Story in my body, in the present Now.
But I’m not stupid: my ‘crisis-manager-self’ has now placed the taglines of the ‘second half,’ after the blog-post, at the bottom of the blog-post page. If I freeze in the Feeling-overwhelm, if I need a safety net, I’ll have one close-by. If it’s anything like other times and streams in my life, however, having the safety net close-by erases the need for it. It basically helps me trust myself more, returns me to my belly where the Story is.
I also now know what it feels like to never land in myself in this flow of Story-speaking. I never landed in my belly-Self before speaking last night. Nothing wrong with how it all unfolded. It was necessary to receive how things would look, where I would stand, what made sense to do with the podium/piano/table ‘prop’, what I would wear, what to do with my glasses, microphone-thingy in my ear and on my face, lighting and microphone-tech interruptions… The roomful of empty chairs—except for three, of course, all of whom had heard versions of what I would say—felt sterile and even cold to me. Trying to be true to the memorization more than the Story within me… All of this put me in my head-spaces, not belly spaces. Until the Feeling overwhelm, which apparently would not be denied. Interestingly, a version of this Voice I’m trying to speak about persisting and insisting She be heard/felt. I do not want to be broken-open like that last night, to demonstrate this Voice like that, but I'll know better how to be in it now, if that is how the Story is to be shared.
It does ease my mind to know that the day of, even perhaps the dress-rehearsal on Friday, will be ‘the next step’ on this journey, moving through these learnings into whatever will be. Arriving early at the dress-rehearsal will give me the familiar time to land in myself, with Fran quietly smiling next to me. This was important both 'other' rehearsals. The day of, the room will be full of faces fresh to me, with an energy that I can breathe into and receive in my belly-Self. It need not feel cold or headspacy. The day of, the process of being in the ‘green-room’ that John named, the ability to just BE in my own body there but also for the hours before I get to speak should give opportunity for me that the Story needs. I do want to share this Story, am delighted to share this Story. I know I know how to do so when I’ve landed in myself.
Some funny digressions to all this learning…
I have such a bizarre relationship to honor or ‘being honored.’ It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar for me, often taking me out of my own felt-senses and putting me into looking outside of myself for what others might see, judge, project onto me. Being awarded CrossFit Dedication's Athlete of the Year in December played with this theme in me too. Of course I was stunned, moved, touched, delighted to be recognized for my athletic transformation this past year. I felt seen/heard by my community of CF peeps. LOVED that. And…I do not have much practice at receiving the commendation of others while staying within my own knowing, my own belly-Self who is actually the one grounding me inside. So of course, I’m getting opportunities now to practice this steadiness amidst being seen/heard in the passion and Story(ies) I get to share…
And…I awoke this morning with the tenderness of old stories and a felt-sense of having blown it, having let my guides/coaches down, blah blah blah. The method is always befriend, welcome, learn. Befriend, welcome, learn. On this side of morning writing, I am so incredibly grateful. Grateful that this TedX salon process is holding me so well, that I get to learn this guided-coached way of integrated-speaking with such gentle companions. Grateful that the rehearsal went exactly as it did, offering me what I needed to continue to show up as who I really am inside. Grateful that I could be seen in the Story I’m trying to live out loud—living and speaking from places deeper and lower than the head-spaces we all live in so much. Grateful for guides and coaches, for a spirit-friend, who accompany and tenaciously celebrate all parts of the path, especially the vulnerable ones.
As it ‘found’ Lisa and me this morning, arising into our listening on the early side of the day, it seems fitting to close with a smile with David Steindl-Rast: A Good Day. “Let the gratefulness flow into blessing all around you. Then, it will really be a good day.”
