We’ve survived another faculty meeting, though I come out of it feeling bruised and tender.
I don’t know why I even care, nor why I am feeling so tender, bruised. It’s not like the toxic colleague hasn’t isolated herself and built a consensus against herself amidst her petty challenges, vindictiveness, aggression and narcissistic posturing. Everyone is simply trying to survive being in the same room with her, getting our collective work done, being faithful to the mission of the school. The second-reading of the “Faculty Expectations” emendations into the Faculty Handbook wound up passing with one objection, hers, and some minimalist verbal changes to satisfy her need to be centered-seen in the discussion. We survived another faculty meeting, thanks be to God/de.
Mostly, I feel alone. Everyone sees the aggression targeted at me, to words I may offer in any collective discourse, yet no one says anything to call it out. No one wants to counter anything she says, and no one wants the fire she’ll turn their way if they do. I get it. It sears and surprises. There’s a shadow-side to being a strong woman in an academic setting that presumes autonomy, self-sufficiency, individualism. Every one knows I’ll be fine, that I’m strong enough to bear up under the accusations, the malicious formal charges, the petty projections.
How long do I forbear and presume goodwill of those I’ve served amongst for over two decades?
For my part, this arises for me probably to heal the next layer of my own family of origin woundedness: an elder sister who was rarely held accountable for passive-aggressive acts against me “because she was less healthy, less strong, didn’t know any better, couldn’t do any better.” I do believe that everything that comes my way is intended for my own healing. I know this has such an invitation for me, if I am simply willing enough to listen in Spirit, to receive what there is to see, hear. [With encouragement from Tarot for the Wild Soul pull: Nine of Swords, "radical self-parenting"]
It’s hard for me to stand up against passive-aggression, particularly if it is to defend myself. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30’s, newly married, that my husband witnessed back to me how my sister treated me. Her passive-aggressive barbs and manipulations, her playing the nice-girl in parental perception and the manipulative rivalry with me in private. Only then did I begin to see why I felt so alone, wounded, scared in my own family system. I was the obviously “strong one” yet persistently wounded from behind, by surprise, with manipulated authority brought against me. I learned not to depend upon my folks for their support–financially, especially. My father’s unconscious guilt for Kathy’s health challenges has always been a blind spot for him. He’s subsidized her her entire adult life, calling it ‘tithing’ because he feels responsible for not stepping in to stop the fainting-sickness medicines. My sister and I have very little contact because of all this, never spoken aloud in my family system, never redressed nor redressable. Understandably, then, the manipulation of authority in passive-aggressive conceptual-violence against me easily sets me off. Or closes me down, in the case today. It doesn’t seem worth it to point it out because those in authority either cannot or will not step in to prevent the aggression.
All the vindictiveness of Vivian Johnson targets this ancient tenderness in me. My mind knows it’s not related but my bodysoul cannot distinguish the two. Vivian has pursued formal charges against me twice this semester, neither time ever speaking to me in person. Each time, manipulating authority so to wound from behind.
The first time was poorly handled by executive staff and HR, even viewing our piss-poor policies as disempowering of them in their best intentions (policies which I am now instigating revision and rewriting). I spoke to one exec leader a couple times, then had an HR ‘slap of the wrist’ handed to me to sign, all without any fact-finding, no due process, no listening to my own professional choices guided by my direct supervisor, as I wisely chose to do. I did not sign the HR form, and two days later, hand-delivered the three-page single-space letter to both my supervisor and the VP of Administration castigating the incompetence and mis-directed, actionable HR practices. Once named as such, I left it at that because I wanted to move on to more important matters for our collective effort. Now I wonder if I should have created my own charge against Vivian, simply to bring a gun to a gun-fight. In my desire to be collaborative, I brought only a knife, to the institutional actors.
The triggered/early story equivalency here? I’ve always been more verbal than my sister, able to articulate my own actions in a story that defends my own actions. She is not verbally-gifted, so never could, but it didn’t make any difference. Her aggression was never seen nor countered. The strong one was presumed the aggressor. Rarely was I given a space to speak my part without their wounded thumbs on the scale. [To be clear here, I don't actually blame my folks anymore for all this. They really did the best they could do, and no parents can provide what each child needs. All fodder for spiritual work to come, in that child. Seems to be the way of things, for deepening spiritual maturity.]
So the triggers made apparent today? In the first formal charge, I was given NO opportunity to speak or be spoken to in the matter of the first formal charge. Institutional authorities were manipulated by Vivian, playing on their own fears to weaponize the problem clearance procedures against me. Even though I was the target of the original offense by her during the final event of the faculty retreat itself. The second formal charge was largely dismissed in a rote conversation with my supervisor, given it was petty and a precursor to other things (I’d guess, I don’t know). Again, no information provided to me in writing about such a formal charge, nor opportunity to speak into any due-process for this toxic projection/behavior by her onto me. The institution is depending upon me to be the strong one, the one actually committed to the institution, the one willing to forbear in order for the whole to be protected.
In that effort, the taskforce for rewriting the problem clearance procedures has met, but did not finish its work. The next meeting happens next week (I think). So I am practicing the presumption of goodwill in my other colleagues, in my direct supervisor…
…yet today I come away feeling alone, bruised, a target of a toxic colleague with no colleagues willing to stand in or call it out. I appreciated the interactions I did have with colleagues. Each helped to navigate the toxicity in the roles and direct conversations engaged. I had an honest text-exchange with my direct supervisor, which helped me feel less alone. We all survived it.
But…it was too hard for me today. I entered into the day feeling grounded and hopeful; I left feeling alone and tender. The 'radical self-parenting' I am doing to learn what's the healing potential for me here (and the more I will be doing in the days/weeks ahead), the gathering of a Fire&Water alumnae circle last night both restored me to begin a new day today.
My career design group meets tomorrow. I'll reach out to the Carleton contact for that, Lara, in hopes of some listening with her. And I'll be praying for a gracious departure, for myself if need be, especially if Vivian remains employed here. My presumably approved sabbatical will buy me both space and extended time to make other plans, as need may be.
No comments:
Post a Comment