This, a line from this morning’s opening poem–"What to do in the Belly of a Whale"–comes after drawing a Soul Tarot card, receiving The Devil for consideration today. A beautiful card, actually, with a golden tinted sky, easing into grey; a huge chain with a pair of wire/chain cutters, and a belly-spotted dove in mid-flight, eye on the chain but free. What chains are being cut today? Listen for the sound of your heart…
Blessedly, I slept soundly last night. A gift, given I did not sleep well the night before. The day’s coffee date with Lisa yesterday morning had not seemed worthy of much internal-angst, but it apparently was. I was antsy from 5 a.m. onward, arising to tend to my sourdough starter, the strawberry shrub I’m making, then…aimless wandering with what to do, how to settle, before the 10 a.m. meeting.
I hesitate to use the word ‘meeting’ when getting together with Lisa, of course. It’s never felt like that before. But it was just that–a meeting. I was not sure what to expect, nor even why she suggested getting together. Our lives are so different now. We have so little contact anymore. I don’t quite know how–or if it’s genuine anymore–to be with her.
Listen for the sound of your heart…
My heart is easier this morning. Relieved.
Of course it was so very familiar to be with her, to catch up and recognize our rhythms of sharing. My boisterousness begins. I try to draw her out. She refuses. She returns to listening for more from me. Eventually, she shares some minimalist things about herself, but mostly her outer life. Things not too intimate, not too vulnerable, not too risky. Or real, sometimes it seems. I think my heart will always miss the Lisa I got to know in our deepest soul journeys together. Amidst husband’s fragility, children’s lives, grandchildren’s lives, the Lisa I know is no longer nourished nor nourishing for her, I’d guess. I miss the Lisa I knew.
Who is also a Lisa I no longer need for my own soul journey. It felt ‘close’ or a bit wearying, draining, as we spoke with one another. I, too, was invulnerable, sharing only those things I knew would be ‘safe’ or mirroring of things she’d receive well. Little depth for either of us, it would seem. It arose in me a couple times to mirror that both Brian and I would be uncomfortable getting together as a couple, now that Chris had handled his own toxic-staff situation in utter disregard of his family, of her. Both Brian and I are fiercely loyal...to Lisa, it is now...and not very good at pretending to get along with such a perceived betrayal. But way never opened to say any of that, which is probably for the best.
There was an interesting moment when she perceived my ancestral lineage healing work in alignment with her own extensive engagement with her family. I think she needed to find something between us that could arguably be both soul-work oriented and similar. I nodded to her perception, and can even feel the similarity she needed to feel. So be it, whether it is or not.
In sum, I’ve done the chains-cutting work here, nudged into awareness by the tarot card for the day. I do feel myself the belly-spotted dove, newly freed, eye on the chain but arising and away. I like that the chain doesn’t feel cloying or surrounding of the bird. It’s a linear chain that the cutter has nicked in one link. A weakened chain, in other words, not completely severed. That feels genuine.
Let Lisa go into her flows of things.
Stay true to my desire to have little contact with her husband, with her with her husband.
Let her family be as they are–growing and moving.
Smile that she’s finally finding herself bonding with a dog (Roscoe), because she’s rescuing him from a darkened, anxious life. This is the sacred work she does, after all. Dogs. Humans.
I am thankful and released…
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