A Two and a Six go to Paris…

The numbers refer to the Enneagram, of course, which would protest the typing ‘use’ of the numbers in such fashion. Each of us has all the numbers within us, after all. The ‘type’ we feel most at home in is the one most familiar, one most relied upon to create a safe and abiding ‘center’ in our nature-nurture environments of formation. Yet, the personalities or tendencies of each number can be so very illuminating. Not to mention de-personalizing of differences that could seem ‘personal’ or directed at just one of us. [For context then: a Two is called 'the caring and interpersonal type', generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing and possessive. A Six is called ' the committed, security-oriented type,' 'engaging, responsible, anxious and suspicious.'  I'm the Two, Brian's the Six...but if it's useful and easier to understand what is to come, the summaries at the end of this post are from the Enneagram Institute website; scroll down to get a sense of each type, Two and Six. Or click the live links in this paragraph...]

I thought it might be amusing to explore Brian's and my visit to Paris with what I’ve been noticing through these lenses. It’s made some of our differences or some of my experience less ‘reactive’ with unproductive thinking, which has been a blessing right there! So…as I said…a Two and a Six go to Paris…

Brian and I have been to Paris three times now. The visit always begins for him months before we actually arrive—a significant part of being a Six, making sure security of itinerary and details is set. Weeks, if not months, before our departure, he has already browsed Google-Earth and various Internet websites giving him an overview of our neighborhood, restaurants close-by, Metro-stops and lines, etc. This time, he read as many restaurant reviews as he could, deciding where he wanted to eat, weeks before we even arrived or felt any actual hunger.To me, this seems such a waste of time and energy. He's seen everything there is to see before he arrives. Why are we going again?

I’ve benefitted from this overwhelming amount of information, of course. The restaurants we go to when we travel have been well vetted by many travelers and sorted through Brian’s preferences. They are often excellent choices, with precisely what he thinks I or we would like. This can also mean we march on a schedule of pre-determined security, however, with no need to check in with how we feel or what might be of interest on that particular day. To ask the question can be a bother for him, actually, because of course it’s best to be in what he’s planned or expected. It can also mean there is really no need for any of my own preferences or participation in the moment to be there, to contribute, to be present. This can drive my Two self batty, of course. He’s relating to his schedule, to the secure plan, not to any part of me actually present with him. I can be present or not, inside, and it won’t matter to him much at all. Which is actually not true—he wants me to be more present with him—but not as much as he wants the predictability of our time in an unfamiliar location, even Paris.

This trip has included a bit more ‘me’ than previous ones, which made a significant impression on me, at least. Previous trips to Paris, we’ve visited museums and meandered in parts of the city, taking in the sights and all this information! He’s in heaven, a Six with a Five wing. He can gorge on information and spend all day happily sharing it with me. I reach my overflow in about one hour of this, unfortunately (for me). :) Myself, I’m content to meander along for that hour, but it’s not feeding much of my own preferences for engagement, relationship. I can easily get overwhelmed with all the history, simply shutting down and ‘going along for the ride’ until I can have some writing and breathing time on my own. Particularly long days can result in a bit of crankiness inside... not good for either of us.

Of course, it’s hard to come to such a distant-location and not feel compelled to take in all the history. Obligation rises quickly, which dampens my own sense of adventure and spontaneity. It's hard for me to argue for downtime, sitting in a chair, breathing, just being. I cannot land long enough to actually hear my own thoughts or do any substantial writing. All I can hear: Why be in Paris and not spend the hours meandering the streets, taking in the sights? I’d not seen how perfectly this kind of travel nourishes Brian, and how-why I often feel so disoriented, so disconnected inside. There’s very little personal-relational engagement for a Two’s sensibilities. This kind of travel does not align well with my own charisms, values...which is fine, but therefore disorienting!

This third visit, however, we wove in a couple things that mesh better with my  sensibilities--Brian's maven-like-research and clearer sense of what makes me tick as an interpersonal connector. Wednesday was a day for me to take a class from a master boulanger, not far from our hotel. Didier at Le Petit Mitron offered an introduction to puff-pastry, croissant, and baguette baking through a company called Meeting the French. I got to spend time learning from a Frenchman, through the translator Eloise, accompanied by three other Americans (eventually—their plane had been late…). It was personal, engaged, creative, informative, fun. I loved it, even though the cultural differences were quite stark. (Take a look at the boulangerie’s sign below, for heaven’s sake! Ugh.) Acknowledging my own distaste for that and the cultural divergences of tasteless male humor...the rest of it--the morning, creative endeavor, etc.--for a Two? This was what I’ve been missing in our Paris travels…personal, creative, relational…

Later that afternoon, we went on another errand to find a Parisian CrossFit ‘box,’ something that suited my relationships and sense of connection.  CrossFit Lutece (I&II...we were at II, I think). Vasily the coach on site, was friendly and accommodating of my hope for a t-shirt. At the time, I tentatively planned to return the next day, or that Saturday, to work out with those gathered. Personal, relational, connected to what I love from my life right now. (As it turns out, Saturday was the only truly sunny day we'd had all week. Brian and I enjoyed a 'return' to our first long day's meandering in the rain, this time in warmer, sunnier weather. I chose that time with him over working out with folks I'd probably never see again...a relational choice, which is just like me. :))

These two ‘additions’ to our usual Parisian meanders have taught me something important to remember, for myself. These are the kinds of things that make my life so full, so abundant, right now. I simply open up inside with creative explorations, with body-movement in community, things like that. Spending an entire week with my beloved Brian, a Six with a five wing, can be demanding, exhausting even. He doesn’t want to participate in much of what I would consider a relational-creative adventure…He's much happier being in all the history and being able to share information he knows/receives with me as a listening companion--which I am much of the time, but not all of the time. :) We’ve figured out the rhythms of this difference at home, and we’re figuring it out together when we travel. But the differences can feel stark to me…

...which gives me a much better sense of why I feel so disoriented and disconnected when we travel to Paris or places full of history he can always learn more in, like Paris. I love this man and what we need when we play is so very different. I feel like we created a more balanced time together, with things nurturing and engaging for me along the way(s). 

It's a far cry from attending a conference together--something I'd love to do with him, I think, surrounded by interesting people with whom we could deepen our own spiritual awarenesses/practices--or taking a hermitage vacation at a cabin in the woods for 5 days together. Those are things I'd love to relax into with him, were he able to relax into it with me. His command of information in those settings is not required, however, nor is there the hours-long flirtations with history and urban/cultural impulses all around. 

All the same...Never say never, right?

Notes:

[1]  Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel loved
• Enneagram Two with a One-Wing: "Servant"
• Enneagram Two with a Three-Wing: "The Host/Hostess"

[2]  Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

• Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
• Basic Desire: To have security and support
• Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"
• Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"