Food
freedom, freedom from fear. This has been the gift of the recent year or so for
me, with movement and with attention to health, what my body feels good eating
and being, doing. I have learned what my body feels good eating—wholesome
meats, greens, fats, no sugar, less and less processed anything. I have
learned how my body cherishes movement in community—workouts several times a
week and holding ‘just get better’ in my bodysoul as I/we move. The numbers
really don’t matter, though it is part of the practice to offer them up
anyway. Now I have landed in Paris with my dear Brian, and I’m all verklempt,
feeling the fear and uncertainty of choices available to me for what I know my
body feels good eating and doing.
I did well
for our travel, which I celebrate for myself. I packed my ‘bread,’ squeeze
packets of nut butters, 1-oz baggies of nuts for the duration. I made myself
hard-boiled eggs for the start of the journey together, when lunch at the
airport was going to be the option available to me. Brian enjoyed his bagel
sandwich and I munched my hard-boiled eggs. I chose the flight-meal option that
had the protein I could eat, and I left the stuff that didn’t appeal to me—the
rice, bread, corn-salad. I awoke hungry about 2 hours outside of Paris, so I
munched the nuts I had brought with me. I awoke 2 hours later to the Air France
‘Bon Appetit’ bag on my tray-table—a warmed cheese brioche-roll-sandwich, a plain roll and a small bottle
of kefir, 6 g sugar. I felt so out of it and hungry, I decided to just eat the warm option of what
I’d been given. When we got here to Paris, Brian and I went to the grocery
store and got me two avocados, for the next couple of days. We’re not sure our
mini-bar fridge is actually working, so I hesitated to get the lunchmeat
from the supermarket. It was probably processed anyway, so not worth bothering
about. All this to say, I am already making choices for me, for the things that
will be familiar and nourishing, freeing.
We had our
first rather predictable ‘flare,’ of course, just moving into finding a place
we could enjoy a meal together. We ultimately landed at the mussels joint we’ve
been to before—a bit more protein focused meal for me, though still familiar
and ‘on his list’ for us for this week. Good to get one of those list-items for
him ‘checked off’, I figure. And the mussels were tasty enough. They came with
mixed salad with dressing (sugar added), a cup of French-fries and a basket of
baguette slices. The luncheon special meant a three-course meal, cheapest and
easiest: a salad, an entrée-dish, and a dessert option. We both chose the
coffee and two mini-desserts to accompany it—a chocolate cake and a
mini-crème-brulee. I tasted everything, to enjoy and smile into it all, and left what I did not want to finish. Our opening meal, it felt important to just go with what
came. My intestines are already feeling the tight/loose of the occasional
cramp. Hmmm….
And now,
nearly a day later, I’m smiling into a bit more ease with what we get to enjoy
here together. Amazing what a good night’s sleep, a hot shower, and hours of
walking can do for you/us! My aim to stay conscious may simply mean tending to myself
in the morning—my familiar ‘bread’ and nut-butter squeeze-pack, which sustains me
well through midday. I could feel my new-familiar ease in being present with
him, having tended to what I needed first. Then aiming for ‘plan-reminiscent’
choices at the restaurants/cafes we meander into during the day, without too
much worry up front. Today allowed an omelette, for instance, with mixed
greens. Close enough for government work. :) Brian loves the dessert and coffee thing late
afternoon, but coffee (a café – espresso shot) suffices for me. Perrier here
has finer-bubbles, which is fun. Evening meals, I’m simply enjoying whatever
comes, methinks. Last night gave opportunity for a Breton-creperie kind of
place we had been before, called the Cormorant. It was a sweet place, small,
close tables, pizza-like ‘crepes’ with dry cidre. Staying conscious then: foods I cannot find at home will
be the tourism of the evenings.
It was
helpful to be reminded that I would not lose my ‘new learnings/self’ simply
from a week in Paris. It seems an obvious statement when said aloud or written
on the page. Duh. But at some level, I think I did come in with a fear
of losing myself, what I’ve learned now, at least a little bit. It often
happens when Brian and I have extended, uninterrupted time together. His inner
world is simply overwhelming for me to navigate easily for long—intense waves
of information, lots of internal-referents shared with me to connect but which can
actually disconnect me from a sense of myself, the relationships and ways of
connecting I value. Firming up my food boundaries these months has
actually firmed up my energetic boundaries, allowing me to be present with him
in a new peaceful way. Choosing my food boundaries here is helping some of
that, but I am also easing into the unfamiliar and ‘the moment’…which makes me
wonder if I will stay present with him, emotionally, for long…?
One thing
that’s an easy ‘diary’ and observation choice is simply taking pictures of each
café meal together. It tracks our food-tourism, which delights him, and it
allows me to be more conscious with what I’m choosing. I also picked up a
couple small pocket journals, with my desire to see Paris with the eyes of a
poet. That kind of writing keeps me present with all that I’m sensing
amidst so many people and new places.
Like the wizened older woman with
square-blue-rimmed spectacles on the subway car today… Her eyes gently closed,
her body rocking with the rhythm of the movement. Made me wonder what stories
rested behind those closed eyelids…
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