Honoring
the season…this is what rises for me as I lean into a bit of writing for me. So
much has happened in the last four weeks that I struggle to slow down
enough to listen to my life, become more deeply conscious of the gifts all
around me. Paris was a bit of that amped-up-pace. Brian and I walked 8-10 miles a day,
loving it, body fine, exploring and receiving the sights of the City of Light.
I was so very blessed to have that extended time with him—a rarity in his
life as a pastor—and it was shyly unfamiliar too. We traveled well together and
enjoyed who we are becoming, each of us and both of us together. The week of
return had three big ‘happenings’ which kept me at the amped-up pace, with
great blessing received, in the end.
Deep
breath. Pause. Another deep breath. Listening to Tony here at Wholly Grounds,
sharing his voice with his friends, companions in the business of it all. Amy
quietly making her coffee drinks for customers, smiling and gentle presence for
all. I can feel my hunger rising, having forgotten to bring my breakfast snack
for post-workout recovery. And my latte with unsweetened coconut milk is
delightful, luscious. Not too sweet…
…which is
quite different from the Manhattan moment of last night. Funny thing I’ve
already shared with my CF family, but…I refused a drink I simply presumed was
made poorly. Had the bartender make it twice, standing up for myself, what I
desire. Only to realize that he had made it perfectly, normally, both times.
My palette is the thing that was different this time. I don’t like Manhattans
anymore, it seems! Too sweet. I insisted on paying for both, though I did not
drink both. Costly ‘mistake’ which has amused me ever since.
Probably
the biggest celebration for me came the night of the CrossFit holiday party,
with our silly and serious Superlatives awards. Who is voted to take the
most bathroom breaks? Who wins the warmup the most? Most progress? Most
mischievous? It was fun suggesting categories for these, and it was fun to vote
for various CF friends from across classes. I was not remotely prepared to win
an award, however. I’ve never won an award, really, let alone an athletic one
in my 50th year. CrossFit Dedication Athlete of the Year? I was
touched, stunned, embarrassed (because I’m me, unused to spotlight moments),
and deeply grateful. My body journey has been so convoluted, complicated, shame-ridden,
self-defeating at times…so to be seen by my CrossFit family in this way…?
Speechless and thankful…more than I could ever say.
I’m
learning to push through my inherited voices about meat too! At least once a
week, I pan-sear and roast a rib-eye steak just for myself, with some eggs
usually. It offers a high-protein, lower-carb day for myself, and I’m getting
used to feeling worth the effort and special occasion that steak used to be for
me. I like having ‘special occasion’ moments for my bodyself like this each
week. Steadies something in me.
The reconnection
circle with some Women Writing leadership sisters went well, undergirded by all
kinds of anxiety, adrenalin, and even distrust in me. I wasn’t sure I would
share any of my words with them. My very existence, doing what I am gifted to
do, seems to trigger negative and shadow reactivities in two of the three of
them. So I try to play small with them—an old pattern that I will begin to
refuse gently in the months to come. Yet honoring my desire too, to stay
connected, ‘in right relationship’ as we would say in that circle, while still
growing, evolving, with what is rising in our own circle communities here. Opening
to the More, the beckoning invitations of a restorative wisdom. Hmmm….
Lots of
tiny seeds seem to be landing in soil for this next year, toward receiving
stories I don’t know but as a privileged white woman probably need to hear. I’m
hopeful the soil will be fertile and I will be willing, open, receptive… Part
of why I like Wholly Grounds coffee shop is the leadership/business partnership
seems to be between two blue-collar-looking white older men and two
African-American women, one of whom I know (Amy) more than the other (who
usually works afternoons, not mornings when I am here). I have felt nudges to
invite stories of the start of the United DMin program, from weighty elders in
the African-American streams of leadership there—mostly men, but some women
too. I learned of a Civil Rights pilgrimage I could participate in, in August
2-7th 2020, which feels more Led than the retreat practicum I have
tentatively expressed interest in for those same dates… And I see a Quanita Roberson next Friday, to
explore some possibilities of coaching work with her. African-American woman I
learned of well over two years ago now, but a Circle-Way trainer in PeerSpirit
lineage who also demonstrates experience and wisdom in shamanistic lineages,
healing-work, reconciliation energies in the world… I love her laugh. I am
drawn in by her energy and feel I could learn a lot with her, from her. Maybe
even heal one of my most damning stories—that strong black women hate me and I
can never win with them, even when I do my own work, at the pace that it comes
to me.
So…time
for breakfast, which is now lunch. A good and blessed season…I am more thankful
than I could say.