Not the usual
way I enter a new community: writing a womanifesto of what I needed for the
leaders to help me help myself.
About a month
ago, I took the dive into a CrossFit gym close to where I work. I figured that
when my busy semester hits this spring, I’d have a new routine and a gym to
swing by on the way home. I also knew I wanted to reclaim my levels of physical
activity that always seem to wane when amidst other things I love to do with my
life—circles, teaching, sacred listening-companionship, etc. ... I do have an inner
athlete, after all. I discovered her in college when I joined the college
women’s soccer team during my junior year. It was an unusual time to join the
team—halfway through—but they needed a goalie and I took the dive then too. ... The
heady parts of my work and married life, even, do not often allow her much
expression these days, so I thought perhaps CrossFit would be a good fit for
right now.
And it really
is. I’ve been in regular classes now for about two weeks, having done the
intro-sessions with Matt, one of the coaches, during late August. I’m learning
which classes have which kinds of energies. The 4 p.m. class is a bit snooty
and competitive, with folks just off their jobs, working off steam before
heading home to family lives. 8 a.m. is led by the other coach, Melissa, and
has a much gentler feel to it, plus more one-on-one coaching. More often a
women-centric class too, though a husband and wife team was there together once
when I was there. The Saturday open-workouts for the community are probably my
favorite so far—more body-as-weight kinds of sets because the number of folks
can be high. My work life may require me to go to the 4 p.m. class; my sense of
well-being values the 8 a.m. class. I’ve not tried the noontime or the 5:30 p.m.
class, though I suppose I will in the days to come.
After the
third ‘regular class,’ I realized that one of the practices of CrossFit was
beginning to distract and shame me: CrossFit math. Matt would ask each of us
what our time was, writing it up on the white-board amongst the list of names
for each day. I wasn’t here to keep time or compete for a fast time. My focus
from day-one has been technique and form, intensity of workout, regularity of
showing up. I could feel the dread building in me for everytime I had to gather my
things to leave, hoping to avoid the question. By the fourth class, I knew I
had to take a different approach than sneaking out.
A day of
Columbus meetings, the first in an Upper Arglington coffee shop, I set to
writing the draft of an email to the two coaches. I was sure to begin with a
huge list of gratitudes and what I was showing up for… I am really glad to have
taken this dive, after all, and can feel myself growing, re-focusing my life in
healthy ways.
I did try to give some context for this
invitation-demand of them: This
message is to help you help me in flows of energy I'm guessing you'd have no
reason to know anything about...
I cannot imagine you've had much reason to delve into the motherwound or the
long histories of bodyshaming that religious traditions exact upon their
young--perhaps you have, and you simply hold it differently for yourselves--but
CF is the apparent place for me to redress some of this in my own body...
I was pleased
to name for them, and for myself, what I was intending and striving for: What
I am coming for: the regularity,
the intensities deepening, the circle of companions also working out and
pushing into their best reps, time etc. I need to have invested at this level
in order to show up in
the overwhelm of my work life(lives). So far, I'm getting all that I need
there, entering in slowly...
I was proud of
myself for then getting concrete and specific:
All that
said...The whiteboards, the reporting, the numbers/CrossFit
math are not going to be good for me at this stage in my body journey... They
distract me, my long history of body-shaming and internalized self-hatred are
simply too tender for the post-workout-give-the-number routine that is part of
your/CF community practice. You can cancel my reservation for the thing on the
7th. Not good for me, at this stage. I don't actually care where I'm starting in the masculine-driven,
body-image way of being in human bodies. I finally know how to name what I need
and so this is your invitation to help me deepen engagement in the ways<I>need. ...you make your
suggestions, but I need you to not put my name up on the board, I need you to
not ask me, and I need to find my way into these flows of movement in my own
way. Guided and pushed by you, sure, but listening inwardly always first. Maybe
someday down the road, I'll enter in this way; maybe not.
I was most
delighted by the ending of the email, the opportunity to name what it’s taken
me so long to name: I'm happy to flow in
and find my way amidst different classes as these next weeks beckon. It's taken
me 50 years to love the body I have, just as I am, knowing I've needed every
fuckin' cell to do the work I do...so my desire and goal is simply to move into
deeper and deeper movement, health, well-being, as I know from the inside
alone. Thanks for reading this far. See you tomorrow and more,
A
woman-i-festo indeed. I felt immediately lighter upon sending it. I felt the
waves of self-doubt and fear too, but I knew to expect those. It is really hard
for a woman to name so clearly what she
needs and not collide inside herself with the need for outside approval, the
need to not take up space, the need to not be too pushy or too much or 'a bitch' or too…something.
I could feel some reverberations within me as I eased into new classes. Did they share my words with
others there? Did other CrossFitters not want to partner with someone like me?
Ultimately, I allowed it to be whatever it needed to be for them, confidence
growing in me that I had done what I needed for me to feel most safe and most
engaged.
And yesterday,
at the start of a full day of ‘mental health care’ for me, I entered into the 8
a.m. class with seven other women. I partnered with a woman I'll call Jaime, a slim buff-honed
athlete woman, with ease. I learned how to begin with bench-pressing the yellow
bar (35 pounds). I walked out, feeling like myself, on a journey I’ve wanted
and needed for a while. I'm a new member of a local CrossFit community, feeling her way in as she needs to.
In our world
today, it always seems to take a womanifesto to get there. So be it.